She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
