so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
