he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
