I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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