I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
