dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
