there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
