I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
