The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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