so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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