Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
