I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
