when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
