If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
