Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
