if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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