how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
