he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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