Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
