she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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