giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
