I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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