booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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