my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
