I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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