I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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