ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
