I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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