I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
