Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
