Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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