So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
