So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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