Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
