I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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