When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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