Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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