At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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