I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
