Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
