I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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