thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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