yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
