the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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