im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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