remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
