Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
