i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
