Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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