thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
