Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
