Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
