Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
